Of whom I am the worst

I’ve been frozen for a while. Actually since I received my date for BAP I seemed to clam up and be rigid with fear. I would look at the envelope that contained all the information I need about the assessment and tell myself that I would read it another time, I’d look at it another day. In reality I was so worried about it all, I’d stopped listening. I was making my own scenarios in my head, I was bogged down by the jargon and the box ticking. What was I doing it all for? Why on Earth is God bothering to waste his time on me? I am so flawed and sinful, how can I even think of serving God’s people? 

I thought of St Paul who says,

 ” Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.” 1 Timothy 1:15-16

I’d become frozen in my sin and unworthiness. 

I’d forgotten that my sins, although grievous to me, are a testimony to God’s saving hand, that all my experiences are used by God in his mission. If God can forgive and save me, then I am a testimony to that hope he brings us all. Perhaps I need to restock.

I was hungry for some time with God. 

Last Saturday I attended evensong at the cathedral, where my daughter sang with the choristers. This was a well needed spiritual feed. Spending time surrounded by the beauty of the liturgy, the glorious sound of the singing, and the buzz of God’s word speaking to me, hit a reset button in my heart which melted my frozen self. On Sunday I gave the talk for the afternoon congregation and enjoyed spreading the good news of Jesus, on Monday I led our Lent group which I was particularly nervous about which went well, on Tuesday I did the talk for morning prayer and today I had a meeting with my fellow chaplains at the hospital. 

Oh how much I love doing these things in the name of Jesus! This is why I’m going for assessment, because this is my life, this is who I am, my life is not complete without serving and bringing people to sit with our God at his table. 

I managed all these things because I opened up my heart and my insecurities and let God take them. I prayed to God to help me because I cannot do any of this without him. I cannot do this without his hand in this. 

When I jump into the water he is there offering his hand out to me to walk with him on the sparkling surface.

Yes I am a sinner, of whom I am the worst, but I’ll show you how Jesus can save you, like he has saved me.

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