Closer to the cross

“Yes, as the master shall the servant be,

and pierc-ed are the feet that follow me,

but yours are whole.

Can he have followed far – who has no wound? No scar?”  (Amy Carmichael )

I’ve always had a large negative side to me. It hides in the corners, in the shadows waiting for the right time to appear. It shows it’s ugly soul sucking head when I feel the most vulnerable. In the past it would be there kicking me whilst I was down, whispering clenched teeth snarls of hate in my ear. I would lie motionless under the looming presence of darkness. There was no escape to that black hole, rock bottom included drowning in the mud of the well, sometimes my nostrils would be just above the mud, one more slip downwards and all that would be left was darkness.

I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t been back to the shadows, but this time the shadows are different. When I am at my lowest and my eyes are hot with tears, and heart is pierced with sadness, I look up and above me is the cross. Instead of lying down I am on my knees at the foot of the cross, and there I am in Christ’s shadow and for a moment I am close to him. My sorrow and despair, my grief, my shame, my brokenness all leads me to Christ. Rock bottom is not the bottom anymore, he is there hearing my prayer, pulling me up from that dark place to the foot of his suffering, his acknowledgment of understanding me.

Then in his resurrection I am free. I pour out my heart, he listens, he takes my sin, my thoughts, my shame and he gives back to me the gift of grace. I call out for him and I kneel patiently under his cross with all my pain and then I am there at the open tomb sharing his peace.

I have plenty of wounds that are now scars, the healing love of Jesus feeding me spiritually, physically, and mentally. 

I am no longer afraid of the shadows, the light of Jesus now guides my way.

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